Mothers. They raise us, soothe every pain, wipe away tears, and tend to scraped knees. They teach us to navigate life and appreciate all its beauty. It is to them (just like fathers) that we owe who we are, our essence. A friend of mine once aptly said that being a mom means noticing that there are only three pieces of cake left for four people at a celebration and casually declaring that you never really liked cakes anyway. I’d add that the moment we become mothers, we cease to be the center of our own universe and willingly pass this role to our children. Many men are taken aback when I argue that women become more complex individuals through the role of motherhood.
Most of us mothers work diligently every day to ensure our children, along with our entire families, feel happy, loved, and safe. We skillfully alternate between the roles of head chefs, laundresses, teachers, taxi drivers, caregivers, and psychological counselors. Whether it’s the little things or providing support during tough times, we are always ready wherever our children need us. However, a significant number of mothers also have their own careers and aim to succeed in them because financial independence is essential for personal stability. Being a working mother in today’s societal context represents a load of more than 100 percent. Sometimes I wonder why we get into motherhood in the first place. What motivates us? Do we view it as a natural outcome of our relationship with a loved one? Or do we fulfill the traditional female role? Is a child a chance to fulfill our own unfulfilled ambitions and dreams? Or perhaps a means to pass on our exceptional genes to the world? Or is it a desire to have someone for life?
Lately, I’ve been encountering more frequently the last option, which appears unlikely but, interestingly, the most prevalent. As part of the “Family Service” project, where we help parents and children navigate separation or divorce more easily, I speak with mothers who feel that their children are their property. Perhaps this is because they are better informed, more aware of their own responsibility for the child, or more selfish and sensitive. Even the period of pregnancy has become a profoundly different state for some young mothers, causing them more significant psychological and physical distress than in the past. For some mothers, after raising one child, they feel completely exhausted. It’s only when they look at their own offspring that they truly comprehend their investment and begin to view the child as their property.
However, a child is an independent individual, with its own unique personality, and both parents bear equal responsibility for their upbringing. It is a separate person brought into this world by both the father and the mother. The father has the same rights as the mother, in good times and bad. When I hear some mothers refer to “MY child,” it makes me nervous. It is “OUR child” that we are talking about, a child of both the mother and the father. I don’t want to get caught up in semantics, but when mothers subconsciously define their approach to fathers and their ownership of the child using this term “my,” it complicates the agreement on post-separation parenting. Even “MY child” needs to see both the mother and the father working together for their best interests. Therefore, if parents ever separate, the child should have the right to spend an equal amount of time with both parents, provided the father is willing to maintain contact.
I would like to appeal to all mothers to encourage fathers to be good dads. It’s reasonable to support their relationship with the child because it develops gradually and is not as natural and self-evident from the start as the mother’s connection, who feels her child’s existence throughout her pregnancy and has a head start in forming a personal bond. If mothers alienate fathers from their babies, thinking they are clumsy or have unconventional methods, it’s a mistake. If fathers can be involved in childcare from an early age, it becomes much easier to keep their interest even after a potential separation. I dare to say that by supporting the creation of a strong bond between the father and the child, we do it not only for the optimal development of the child but also for ourselves. In most cases, the biological father is the second most important person in a child’s life, and just like the mother, he cares deeply about the child. I have experienced a divorce myself, and I know from my own experience that no one talks so wonderfully about the uniqueness of their own children as their biological father.
So, my call on Mother’s Day may be somewhat unconventional. I am convinced of the truth of the proverb that says, “Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.” Motherhood is a beautiful gift, and we should enjoy it while also looking forward to the fact that we are not alone in this toughest life discipline. Dads are here too, sometimes a bit quirky, with crazy ideas and quirks, but always playing an equally important role in our children’s lives. Fathers with whom we can share the joy of our offspring.
I wish everyone a happy Mother’s Day and, shortly, a wonderful Father’s Day.
Ivana Tykac,
Co-founder and Director of WOMEN FOR WOMEN, o.p.s.
Mother of six children
